What am I afraid of?
going insane
not being a good mommy
my husband completely losing his shit because our lives are so chaotic
my husband completely losing his shit because he is going to be a corporate slave forever because I am spending all our money on therapy
wasting my life being stressed
not having any money because we squandered it all on therapy (this shit ain't cheap even if you've got good insurance coverage, which we do not.)
short-changing my other children (money, attention, enrichment)
never being able to do normal things as a family
never having a career again
not having the stamina to do this for the rest of my life
Eleanor being dependent her whole life
Eleanor being seriously disabled her whole life
Eleanor being exploited or abused or victimized because of her disability. (Dude she can't talk right!)
all of this being my fault because I did not make the right therapeutic, educational, medical decisions for her
becoming the care-worn, scary, totally obsessed, self-denying, stage-mother-of-another-color mother of a special needs child. (Parent support groups give me the willies because everyone there is so miserable or determinedly upbeat. They've all been through hell. They have scary stories you would not have even imagined. Its a ghost of Christmas future situation that depresses me.)
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